A mixture of facts and feelings

Hayley, Second Year Medical StudentWhen we entered medical school, we took the Myers Briggs personality test. In the thinking/feeling category, I came out as a “thinker,” but most of my best friends are “feelers.” Over the last few years I have become more in touch with my feeling side. Often I find myself feeling emotional about a situation, but then talking myself out of my feelings about it. I would like to share with you some of the tangled facts and feelings I have been dealing with recently.

Fact: I am 24 years old.
Feeling: Wearing jeans and t-shirts to class makes me feel young and irresponsible. When I go to clinic I feel confused and lost. I don’t feel like a young professional – I feel 100% like a student.

Fact: I’m in debt.
Feeling: I feel confident that someday I will be able to pay it all back. But that still feels like forever away. Mostly I feel really really poor.

Fact: I’m getting married in 111 days.
Feeling: I am so happy when I think about it. But I am also apprehensive about being a wife. I feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of caring for someone else and putting his needs above my own.

Fact: I’m taking boards in 106 days.
Feeling: I feel… confident that I will feel pretty well prepared by then… but currently terrified and not at all ready. I feel like I should be reading First Aid 24/7. I feel guilty when I’m not studying.

Fact: I have friends.
Feeling: I feel like I never have time to hang out with my friends because I’m always too busy. It feels like I have put my “real life” on hold for school, but I don’t know when I’ll get it back.

Sometimes these feelings are over-powering – I am left feeling lonely, overwhelmed, jobless, and lost at sea in medical school. My mind knows that all of these feelings will resolve and improve, but right now they are real. Right now the only way to get through is to keep driving myself, and sometimes these feelings of trepidation and guilt drive me harder than the simple knowledge that I am taking boards in May. As uncomfortable as some of these feelings might be, I think they might actually help me in the long run.

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About Hayley

I am Hayley, a second year medical student at Loma Linda University. I grew up outside of Seattle, in the small cow-dominated town of Carnation which is famous primarily for its breakfast products. I graduated from Wheaton College in 2010 with a degree in biology. When I am not studying (which is not very often) I enjoy running in the dark, eating sushi, doodling on my notes, and climbing to the tops of mountains. Some of the things and people I love include trees, rain, my family, my boyfriend Brian, green tea, grapes, and my friends in the class of 2014. Through this blog, I hope to provide you with a bit of insight on my life as a 2nd year med student; what I am learning, seeing, and realizing as I travel through this year of school.